Cause I’m clever when I’m Drunk-LoL13

I don’t think that I was a prude, just a nerd. To be honest I think it was a case of not really seeing the point behind drinking, when I was a teenager. I was hanging out with my friends, gaming, and doing well with the ladies so how was drinking going to make any of that better? I was not straight edge or righteous about the whole thing, I just did not drink. To the best of my recollection my first full beer was shared with my dad, on a family vacation to Canada, on my 21st birthday. It was a Labatts Blue and I ordered it over everything else because they advertised during Flyers games. Hooray marketing.

In the military I continued my standoffish relationship with alcohol but mostly because of bad examples. I was assigned to a room with 3 other guys who were nicknamed “the Beam Team” as in Jim Beam. They were all around great guys but I watched them get hammered and break ankles, throw furniture out the window, shave each other’s eyebrows and chest hair, ride shopping carts out of second story windows, and accidentally cut themselves wide open. So yeah, I appointed myself designated driver of the room and held off on the full-scale drinking.

But I told you all of that so that I could tell you about the “Saint Patrick’s Day Massacre.” It started as an innocent get together. My Ex-wife, my friend, who we will call Bear since he is the size of one, and I decided to open up our house to all our friends for a hootenanny. Somewhere along the line my brother decided that this was the night I needed to get hammered. He was going to be my usher into the theater of fuckedupitude.
Im going to skim over a lot of it, partially because I want to focus on one particular moment and partially because a lot of my memory is hazy for some of the details.
I remember we started with Bowman’s vodka (classy in the screw top bottle!) moved on to Aftershock, then hit the beer in earnest. Yeah…
I do remember the following happening:
-I grabbed and pointed out my ex wife’s breasts to the party
-I had several heart to hearts with good friends that ended in hugging
-I drank more than one thing handed to me in a cup that I had not identified

And then came the moment. It was late in the party and folks were getting ready to go home. There was a bit of discussion and general amusement about what should be done to keep me from having a terrible first “morning after” and it was decided that I should be made to throw up. That way I would purge my system and not get sick in bed. So my brother, my Ex-wife and I all crammed into a half bath downstairs with the idea of getting me to throw up. It was not happening and my brother left. Then the door flew open and my friend Bear pushed into the small room. He was very drunk, very large, and very angry.
He shoved his big finger in my face and demanded. “DID YOU SLEEP WITH MY SISTER?” I forced my eyes to focus; looked up at him and asked…”which one?” this apparently was not the answer he was expecting and he left the bathroom to figure out which sister. At that point I was hustled upstairs and into bed. Truth be told I’m not sure why I asked that because I had never slept with either of his two sisters but I am convinced to this day that response saved me from a drunken ass beating.
I have since settled into a comfortable relationship with booze. I have learned I don’t throw up, I don’t pass out and I don’t get hung over. Even with all of those plusses I still count the ability to be clever while hammered among my greatest assets.