LoL 5: PORN!!!

Let me tell you a story about porn. One that echoes down through our family history and still never fails to bring my father, brother, and I to tears with laughter. Surprisingly enough I am not the star of this porn opus but my brother will claim that role.

So like most teen boys I had a collection of skin magazines that I was reading “just for the articles” I assure you. Also like most teen boys at some point I was busted by my mother finding my stash. There was pulling of hair and gnashing of teeth and my father had to sit me down and have the “you and I understand why you have these magazines but they upset your mother so get rid of them and don’t bring them in the house again.” Fine. We disposed of the magazines.

Fast-forward to years later and my brother entered that magical time in a boy’s life when the obtaining and hiding of adult “literature” became paramount. Once again my mother finds one of his magazines and all hell breaks loose. My father decides he is going to make a grand display that will leave a lasting impression on my brother. He sits him down in front of the fire that was going at the time, and explains (with my mother watching) that these magazines are not allowed in the house. My father then tosses the magazine in the fire.

Father: Do you have any more
Brother: * nods sheepishly * yes…
Father: I want you to go upstairs and get them and we are going to burn all of them.
Brother: ok…

With that he heads upstairs. My father sits back, satisfied at his parenting skills, when he hears a noise. Sort of a “whumping” something hit the floor upstairs noise.
Must have been the younger brother rooting around he thinks, but then he hears a second noise, the sound of something being dragged across the upstairs floor. This is followed by “WHUMP, WHUMP, WHUMP, WHUMP” as the stairs are being traveled and my brother comes into view with a black, 30 gallon trash bag FULL of porn in tow.

My father put his face in his hands as my mother gasped. He was almost paralytic with laughter and sadness. Rather than bring down a few mags to be burned, as a symbolic gesture, my brother had produced his entire, impressive, collection. He was clearly an idiot.

My brother saw my dad shaking as he tried to hold in the laughter and realized he was not, in fact, going to be killed for having a miniature adult library in his closet. They burned the magazines as my father shook his head and called him a dumbass, both of them fighting back laughter as my mother fumed.

To this day doing something exceedingly stupid in my family is referred to as “being as dumb as producing a bag of porn…”

I love my family.